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Literature Text
I want to take liquid fire and freeze it
and forge out of it my very own gold.
I would weigh it against my own wit
and wonder how balanced the scales would hold.
Likewise would I weigh my words and deeds
and would wish to see the gold grow light.
But I know my mind to be full of weakening weeds
which could be uprooted and so uncover my might.
But still I am not steadfast enough to try;
Not strong enough to face a certain defeat
because if I could see myself eye to eye,
then I would acknowledge myself a cheat.
Because I, myself, have the rules down written
and wrought the gold used for measure.
The gold itself is a frozen fire, hidden;
a fiery frost within; a well kept treasure.
But were I to melt it, I might grow wise
and on all the empty words I might act
and maybe in time pluck off the disguise
and seek to make at least a small impact
on the world of which we are all a part
and also on my own soul and heart.
and forge out of it my very own gold.
I would weigh it against my own wit
and wonder how balanced the scales would hold.
Likewise would I weigh my words and deeds
and would wish to see the gold grow light.
But I know my mind to be full of weakening weeds
which could be uprooted and so uncover my might.
But still I am not steadfast enough to try;
Not strong enough to face a certain defeat
because if I could see myself eye to eye,
then I would acknowledge myself a cheat.
Because I, myself, have the rules down written
and wrought the gold used for measure.
The gold itself is a frozen fire, hidden;
a fiery frost within; a well kept treasure.
But were I to melt it, I might grow wise
and on all the empty words I might act
and maybe in time pluck off the disguise
and seek to make at least a small impact
on the world of which we are all a part
and also on my own soul and heart.
It‘s very easy to make oneself sound very sensible and clever. Terribly difficult to follow up. That‘s what it‘s about. Interpret as you will though.
Anyway, I do love alliteration and rhyme even if it may have come out wrong here. I feel awkward about making poetry in English, I don‘t know why I do it, let alone post it... (well, I suppose I do, actually - anonymous-attention-addiction...). Still, the outcome of this, I think, is relatively good compared to some of the non-sense I have written and not posted despite maybe a pretty clichéd ending (if the whole thing isn‘t a complete cliché from beginning to end).
‘wrought‘ – it‘s an ancient sounding word, I really shouldn‘t use it. I‘m pretty sure it came into my head because I‘ve been reading Tolkien, but at least it fits with the misshapen alliteration which grows worse as it progresses... Ugh, I‘m terrible at editing my own work. Did try though (see? Words, words, words....).
But back on the topic of words; ‘wit‘ in the sense of intelligence rather than humor, is rather old too... but it doesn‘t sound as middle-ageish...
Please excuse any accidental language errors and possible lack of coherence. If you have an idea of how to improve this, you may most definitely share it.
EDIT: Due to some very helpful critiques I've gotten, I'm scrapping this until I find the time and inspiration to revise properly.
Anyway, I do love alliteration and rhyme even if it may have come out wrong here. I feel awkward about making poetry in English, I don‘t know why I do it, let alone post it... (well, I suppose I do, actually - anonymous-attention-addiction...). Still, the outcome of this, I think, is relatively good compared to some of the non-sense I have written and not posted despite maybe a pretty clichéd ending (if the whole thing isn‘t a complete cliché from beginning to end).
‘wrought‘ – it‘s an ancient sounding word, I really shouldn‘t use it. I‘m pretty sure it came into my head because I‘ve been reading Tolkien, but at least it fits with the misshapen alliteration which grows worse as it progresses... Ugh, I‘m terrible at editing my own work. Did try though (see? Words, words, words....).
But back on the topic of words; ‘wit‘ in the sense of intelligence rather than humor, is rather old too... but it doesn‘t sound as middle-ageish...
Please excuse any accidental language errors and possible lack of coherence. If you have an idea of how to improve this, you may most definitely share it.
EDIT: Due to some very helpful critiques I've gotten, I'm scrapping this until I find the time and inspiration to revise properly.
© 2011 - 2024 ragnaice
Comments30
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One quick point on format: I do not like the double space between each line; I think it would be much better in stanzas. Also, wrought: definitely an awesome word 
I think for the most part you've done a really good job with the rhymes here. They don't feel too forced, and it's got a very Tolkien feel to it, which I like EXCEPT
"Because I, myself, have the rules down written
and wrought the gold used for measure."
Bleh. That just...it's just weird. "Down written." Doesn't work. Not sure how to change it either. Hmmm...
Anyway, overall, well done, and best of luck!
PS. Are you Icelandic??? That's totally awesome
I think for the most part you've done a really good job with the rhymes here. They don't feel too forced, and it's got a very Tolkien feel to it, which I like
EXCEPT "Because I, myself, have the rules down written
and wrought the gold used for measure."
Bleh. That just...it's just weird. "Down written." Doesn't work. Not sure how to change it either. Hmmm...
Anyway, overall, well done, and best of luck!
PS. Are you Icelandic??? That's totally awesome